Chapter 16: The Lobster

They said it couldn't be done.  They said it was indestructible.  They said it was Latka The Destroyer-proof.  They were wrong.  It might have been hard and it might have taken a while, but I did the impossible.  I destroyed the Lobster.  Like the lobsters of the wild, my Lobster was supposed to have an impenetrable exoskeleton.  Well, not only did I break through the shell (without crackers or a hammer), but I also tore out its golden and delicious tamalley.  The legs and tentacles were the easy part.  Getting through the shell took the tenacity and concentration I have developed over my nearly year of existence  as a destroyer.  What's next?  Nothing can stop my path of destruction.  

Chapter 15: The Zebra (a story)

Latka the Destroyer prowled the river banks of the urban jungle known a Georgetown.  She set her sights on as large prey animal well over twice her size.  She stalked the pray for days on end. Waiting. Watching. Playing mind games with the beast.  Latka the Destroyer lulled the Zebra into a false sense of security.  While the Zebra drank from the river Potomac,  Latka the Destroyer devised a devilish plan to ensnare the creature.  Finally, after weeks of planning, on the eve of a cool night at the beginning of Fall, Latka the Destroyer attacked! Bringing the painted horse down in one strike.  She began the assault on the Zebra by tearing at its head; ripping its brain and heart out in a matter of moments.  From there, she worked through the rest of the kill, until all that was left was the tip of the Zebra's tail.

Chapter 14: Post Bath

As I have mentioned previously, I HATE baths.  They are terrible.  The only thing worse than having to stand there wet and humiliated while the Yuppies lather soap all over me and then rinse is off is their attempt to dry me after the bath.  The make me stand there as they rub me all over with a towel when all I want to do is get out of the tub from hell.  And they don't even do a good job!  By the time they are done, I am just as wet as when they started.  What is the point?  Then I have to go and get the rest of the water off.  I make sure the Yuppies know my displeasure by shaking as much water off me and onto them as I can.  Then to finish the job I rub myself all over the carpet.

Chapter 13: The Snake

I was at the park the other day hanging out with my pals when one of them said "I've been so bored with life lately."  We all knew how he was feeling because every dog has those moments of depression.  Another of my friends chimed in with the advice of getting a hobby.  I thought to myself, I could use a hobby too (not exactly knowing what hobbies are) and asked what are some examples of good hobbies.  She said her favorite hobby was to chew on shoes, but she had heard of other dogs whose hobbies included eating furniture, barking out the window, chasing squirrels, and rummaging through the garbage.  Those all sounded like different types of destruction to me.  Since destroying is my job, I needed to find another hobby.  I thought about it long and hard and then one day while in the process of destroying my snake, I realized that I really enjoyed squeaking.  Eureka! My hobby could be making music.  I've been practicing on my snake (which I have held off on destroying since it has the best squeakers).  What do you think?

Chapter 12: The Chicken

Pink is my favorite color.  Whenever I wear my pink collar everyone tells me how pretty I look.  I love the attention.  That is why I was so excited when the Yuppies gave me a pink chicken.  At first I was confused because the Yuppies kept calling it chicken but it tasted nothing like the delicious treats they give me to try to get me to obey them.  The chicken treats are irresistible and I would do anything to sink my teeth into them (even humiliate myself by crawling, dancing, and heeling).  But this pink chicken tasted like all the other toys I've destroyed.  Why would the Yuppies use the same word for two different things? Stupid.  Since it was pink and tasted nothing like real chicken, I was hesitant to destroy it.  Maybe if I carried it around with me, people would think I was a pretty girl.  But then the urges took over, I mean it squeaked in 3 places.  How could I resist?

 

Chapter 11: The Skunk

Need I say more?

Chapter 10: The Moose Part 2

After I partially destroyed the Moose, it went into hiding.  I couldn't find it anywhere.  I know I ripped it apart, but I didn't fully destroy it.  It still had some life in it.  But where did it go?  Today, I had my opportunity to find out.  The yuppies left me alone with free range of the house (although they put the cat's food out of reach - that stuff is so good, why don't they feed me that? Lucky cat) while they were showering.  As I understand it, showering is like taking a bath.  Baths are the most miserable experience, just the word frightens me.  Why would anyone do that voluntarily every day?  Anyhow, I digress, I searched high and low for the Moose.  I knew it was there somewhere.  Finally, I picked up its scent and started tracking it.  It was hidden under a pile of clothes, but that didn't stop me from getting to it.  Now the Moose was mine!  As usual, I started at the head going for the squeaker (even though it was a fake squeaker).  To my surprise it was full of fluff.  I ripped all that out.  It was everywhere.  Just as I was getting into it, the yuppies came out.  I knew I would be in trouble, so I ran for my bed hoping they wouldn't notice.  But just at that moment, Hamlet started sounding the alarm.  He gave me away, letting the yuppies know all about my destruction.  I will get you Hamlet, one day...

Chapter 9: Peanut Butter

I have a new favorite food.  It is awesome.  I'll eat it on anything and with anything in it.  Its peanut butter!  Almond butter is OK, but peanut butter is AMAZING.  I especially like Jif brand.  Usually I only get to clean off a spoon after the Yuppies have had their fill.  If I'm lucky, sometimes I get a whole spoonful.  But one day, I got the whole jar!  I didn't even have to steal it; the Yuppies handed it to me.  I DESTROYED it.  It was the greatest day of my life.  I had so much PB that my lips were glued shut.  I was licking it off my face for hours.  Once the jar was licked clean, I started destroying the jar itself.  The wrapper wasn't anything special, but the plastic made for a great chew toy. I've got to find out where they keep that stuff.

  

 

Chapter 8: Bed

The urge inside me to Destroy is sometimes so strong that I cannot help myself and end up destroying the things I love.  My bed is where I feel safe and comfortable.  After a long day of destroying, I like nothing more than relaxing in my bed.  However, the bed is full of fluffy stuff and fluffy stuff is more fun when its everywhere.  Every night I am torn between sleeping in my bed and Destroying it.  Some nights the destructiveness overtakes the sleepiness and I wake up surrounded by fluff.  If I have my numbers correct, I believe that I have destroyed 4 beds so far.  The yuppies are starting to become annoyed though.  Lately they have been giving me towels to sleep on instead of beds.  The towels aren't as soft and there is no fluff to rip out, but I do enjoy rearranging them every time I want to take a nap.

Chapter 7: The Moose

So, as you may have noticed, all of my posts so far have been from my early, formative days.  I just recently learned to type, so I have been catching up on my life.  However, I was so proud of my destructive work yesterday that I couldn't wait to share my accomplishments.  Last night the yuppies gave me a moose.  They said that it was supposed to squeak at a pitch that I could hear but they could not.  Well, the joke is on them because it doesn't squeak.  My snake is much better for squeaking (more on that later).  Nonetheless, I took to destroying the moose immediately.  The obvious choice of places to start were its antlers.  As you can see below, it only took me a few minutes to rip those off.  But by the time they were gone, I was tired and had to nap.  I cant wait to get back to destroying the rest of the moose.

       

 

Chapter 6: Can't tie me down

The yuppies, in an effort to try and constrain me, have begun tethering me to a rope.  I am fully determined to Destroy the restraint they call a leash and fully defy any attempt by them to use it.  I figured my best shot at getting rid of this monstrosity would be non-violent civil disobedience.  My first attempts were to just lie flat on the ground every time they put the leash on me.  That didn't work to well as they would just drag me along the floor.  My second attempt was to go in the opposite direction they wanted to go, but again they would just pull me along.  I figured if they wanted to go forward so badly I would pull them along and started rushing ahead.  That didn't work either since, as soon as I started pulling, they would abruptly change directions, which was very confusing and it is tiring to keep rushing ahead in different directions.  Finally, I thought maybe I could grab the leash out of their hands and started playing tug-of-war with it.  But that just got me yelled at.  I am still devising a plan to lose the leash, maybe a hunger strike.  On the destruction front, I started by trying to pull it apart, but that didn't seem to work.  After many attempts to rip the leash apart, one day when the yuppies eating and weren't paying attention, I started chewing through the leash.  Before I knew it I had ripped the leash in two!  However, I became so distracted by the enjoyable act of chewing the leash, that I forgot to escape and the yuppies noticed my destruction before I had a chance to get away.  They tied the leash in a knot and took me home.  So much for my freedom.

 

Chapter 5: On The Lam

They are on to me!  They have heard of my destructive ways!  One of my informants gave me the heads up that the authorities were coming after me.  Luckily, I narrowly escaped capture and have been hiding out for what seems like days.  We walked forever, but apparently that was not enough to avoid suspicion. Now I'm stuck hiding out under a park bench like a homeless person.

 

Chapter 4: The Yellow Monster

I was given the yellow monster, for lack of a better name, from my boss.  He must have know that the best way to keep me productive was to provide me with something I could DESTROY!  As soon as I sank my teeth into the yellow monster, it gave off a high pitch moan.  Another bite, another moan.  I knew I must be on the right track to destroy the yellow monster because it let me know I was hurting it with each clench of my jaw.  Soon I became addicted to the noise.  I constantly had to get a fix.  Day after day, I woke up craving the squeak and at night I dreamed of it.  There is no sound better.  I decided I had to find out what was making the sound. I started ripping at the yellow monster.  Little by little, tearing at its fibers until, finally, I ripped out its plastic squeaking heart!

Chapter 3: The Beef Stick

Today I was introduced to the greatest culinary experience of ALL TIME: the beef stick. It is pure chewing heaven.  Once I began to chomp down on the meaty goodness, I could not stop.  It was like I was in a chewing trance.  Hours seemed like minutes.  Nothing could distract me from my task of destroying the beef stick.  Don't you worry, I succeeded.  I see a steady stream of beef sticks in my future. 

 

Chapter 2: The Tennis Ball

I had my first successful take down.  At first I didn't realize that the yellow ball had destruction potential, but then I saw an older dog brutalizing another ball.  I knew, then and there, the tennis ball was no match for Latka the Destroyer.  I just had to figure out how to get my mouth around it.  It took a few tries.  The ball kept trying to get away from me, but I wouldn't let it.  Finally, after what seemed like hours of chase, the ball met its end!

  

 

Chapter 1: The first meeting with my nemesis

The Yuppies brought me to their home.  There appears to be a lot of good stuff to destroy, but I am confined to a small pen.  Its still better than sharing space with the border collies and their incessant yapping.

But the real important thing is that I met a new creature.  He is black and sly.  He creeps through the house and is especially active at night.  They call him Hamlet, but he is no prince; he is a demon and I will DESTROY him.  I just have to figure out how to get him to submit to me.  No amount of running, hopping, or barking will entice him to come over to me so that I can chomp down on him.  One day ... one day he will be mine!!!

Prologue

I was born in the wilds of West Virginia in the beginning of 2013.  Like most orphan pups, I barely knew my mother, being weened off her at only a few weeks old.  I like to think of her as a beautiful dog with some Japanese blood coursing through her, but in reality she was probably a floozy who walked the streets.  I didn't know my dad at all, but I bet he was a dog of great stature who demanded respect wherever he went.

My mother was captured by the authorities while still pregnant with me and brought to "the farm" with the other transients.  After I was born, my siblings and I were shipped off to another halfway house.  It was there that I started hatching my plan of destruction.  Some might say it was the circumstance of my upbringing that molded me into the Destroyer I am today, but I believe it is just my instinct.

I soon figured out that my greatest opportunities to blaze a destructive path would be to be if I could trick the humans into bringing me things to destroy.  It was the humans who brought us food and cleaned up after us; thus, it was be the humans who I had to learn to control.

After a few days in the halfway house, I started to notice that another litter, which was cooped up with my litter, was getting more attention from the humans than my litter was getting.  They were decedents of a breed know as the border collie; a noble breed of supposed superior intelligence (although not superior to mine).  I also realized that I slightly resembled the dogs in that litter.  We had similar ears, muzzles, and builds.  If the humans preferred the collies, then I would become a collie.

It did not take much time for me to convince not only the humans, but also the border collies, that I was one of them.  From that point on, I was grouped with the collie brood instead of my own.  Over the next few weeks, we were carted around to different places, and at each place, one or two of my new family would be taken away by the humans.  However, none of the humans seemed like ones who would properly do my bidding.

Finally, after weeks of searching, the right humans came into my life.  They had a different look about them.  Instead of the glazed-over eyes that most humans get when looking at puppies, they had a look of determination.  They first picked up one of my pseudo-brothers, but I made my move.  I attracted their attention with my alertness and hooked them with my charm.  They may call it a "rescue," but I call it entrapment. The Yuppies are mine...